We are looking for plenty of good days

It was not easy but we already reached Portugal, for our Dream Holidays. It  was great sensation to see the family in the airport, and came home, laid down in bed and just switch on the radio, and rest. Shame that the in the night I am very seek again.

We enjoyed very much to see few friends here with us, today we had Sergio, Tobias, other surprise was to see Luis, has been 8 years since last time we seen him.

Portugal, Portugal

Just to say, see you tomorrow already in Portugal, Filipe is now here to stay and helping us to get to the Algarve. We decided to take the journey in two stages, today we are going and staying overnight in a Hotel close to the airport, then tomorrow we will not need to wake up so early to get the morning flight. For us will be the first night in a hotel, I will bring a spare bag to fill up with soups, everything possible.

This days I have received many wishes of encouragement from all friends, and few friends sent me this one, which I could not resist to posted here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytezUcVQmkc

Lovely Leeches

Today I had another invasion of friends. Those friends are very special on the Planet, having the same characteristics as the Leeches, they catch you and they never leave you alone, recharging me with all what I need to survive and to carry on in the days that the energies are lower.
Justyna was in charge of all the preparations for our trip to Portugal, after tomorrow hopefully we will be already in Algarve. She went to the doctor to get medicines and documentations to bring along with the morphine and other medicines, this to convince authorities at the airport that I am not flying to try my chance of getting reach, selling the drugs in the black market.

Shame that Sofia went already back to Munich, it was amazing to have her in here, luckily tomorrow another Leech is arriving to replace that hole in my heart, Filipe will come from Portugal to accompany and support us on our big journey to Algarve.

To celebrate all this I had tonight a sip of Coca Cola, something what I didn't taste for more than five years.

Turn of the page

Today was definitely a turn of the page, I had the visit of the never leaving friend, Sofia come for a short visit to us, It has been amazing so far those hours together, Also to be this evening in a lovely Christmas diner with Shubhi and Tom was unforgettable. It is impossible to believe, how I was this morning, tired and hopeless as usual, and how I am feeling now, strong and looking for more chatting and socializing. This evening we also met the father Christmas, probably it also helped to boost our moods.

The Gruffalo

Today I will try to write few words before night, before I cannot do nothing. Yesterday my batteries by night were around 1% of energy. I had here the visits of few friends, and even the priest came to give me some spiritual energy, In the afternoon I managed to go to a session of acupuncture, looking for energy and help to sleep. For long part of the day I did think I would not do all Day until the end. I went to bed with a good top up of morphine, but nothing worked, I was with pain and restless. What saved me to not be awake another night was idea to take a strong sleeping pill, thus Justyna already around 3.00AM called to the hospice to ask for their opinion, and they agreed, after the pill I felt calmer and within half an hour I was asleep, dreaming until morning.

This morning I woke up completely different, better mood, Olivia went to the theatre with Shubhi and Tom, we could take the day easy. This days we have also a task force of friends that live nearby helping us, some bringing food, others the medicines, but all love and hope. It was good to see Sergio and family, probably the last time before Christmas. This afternoon I am trying to get used to new painkillers, OxyNorm, it has a different effect than the morphine, which apparently was making me drowsy.

Day without a sunrise

It was not the best of our days..  Helder feels extremely tired, he asked me to write few words from him. I am not that good in writing and I lack Helder's sense of humour so it is a real torture for me to write this post. I hope tomorrow Helder will feel better, then you all can have again proper stuff to read and I can have  my world back in order, day without Helder writing his blog is for me like a day without a sunrise.. 

Christmas star

I did a big effort in the morning to go and see Oli's School Christmas Show, I managed to get there on my own, but to come back home I needed help of the neighbour, who offered to give me a lift. Despite my exhaustion it was worth to go and I would do it again just to see Oli's smile and happiness in her eyes when she saw me in the audience.

Painkiller

I thought I would get better soon, I had a good sleep, but this afternoon I felt more pain than in the last days, I needed something quicker to release the pain and first time I tried the morphine syrup, the effect was instant, just I got very hot and tired. I could sleep for all day.

Small victories

This was one of the busiest days since I have memory, calls from the nurses, and visit from the GP to speak about new medications, as everything will be changed, new painkillers, new anti-constipation and anti-sickness pills, pills for the haemorrhoid that are now also very swollen. I will never miss nothing :)
At least I had few victories, managed to rest an hour at home and to pass one more day without vomiting.

Difficult to settle

Today was Olivia's turn to feel unwell, in the morning she did not go to school and stayed at home with us, she had fever and the doctor prescribed an antibiotic to see if it will help her with some weasel in the chest.

Through the day I was feeling better, with much more energy, I went for a walk in the afternoon, and I did something I have not done for a long time, picked up few books and read for Olivia.
Now I am about to go to bed, but I am very full and scare to start all the routine about vomiting.

Male always in disadvantage

We never know the day of tomorrow, as unexpectedly after two good days I had a day again full of vomiting. But to be honest it was not that bad, much less pain, The lack of appetite I only hold until Veena and Khrisnha come around, Veena brought something for dinner that in the beginning, before I tasted, I thought, with my lack of desire for food, for sure I will not feel to continue after few spoons, but wrong, after I could not stop, her Dhall was too good to leave. So my best moments of the day were around the table, eating and laughing with the girls. Today, I was even more in disproportion, It was me against 6 girls.

5th Wedding Anniversary

We almost forgot again to celebrate our wedding anniversary, was not Joanna, Justyna's mother and we would pass through this historical day without noticing and less celebrate our 5th anniversary weeding. Thus  it come on time, together with and improvement of my mood we tried to take the most of Day. It is true, that I could not sleep at all, but at I was happy because I was not in pain and I have been more positive.
Today, I found again ideas and sensations that I lost for a weeks, At lunch and diner I loved the food again. I found the appetite.
This afternoon I had a go in the Acupuncture, to see if I recover energies and liberate me more from the pain.

For coincidence today his also the birthday of our friends Ines and Nuno.

Exotic cocktail

I had already the feeling throughout the night but when I woke up I could not believe, I had one of the best nights in the last days, less pain and calmer, everything as it should, under control. Thinking that the good mood will last for longer, I accepted the invitation for a lunch out in a Pub with Shubhi, but closer to the lunch time the pain lighted again, very soon I needed to come back home and rest the belly.

Only in the Afternoon I wanted to see food again, I tried for the first time some special cocktails prescribed by my GP, a special drink full of calories, vitamins, that could be like yoghurt or juice, I did like mine. With a straw, it was as if I was in tropical latitude enjoying the view, in this case my friends around. The pain comes like a roller coaster, it comes and goes, and this evening close to dinner it was strong again, but fortunately Shubhi appeared with a wonderful rice, probably I was also hungry or maybe it was some healing proprieties in it, suddenly I felt better again, and I enjoyed the rest of the evening with girls around.
Now we are planning to search for a good laugh watching the rest of 'The best exotic marigold hotel'

Mikolajki

After few good days in the row today unexpectedly I went again for the spectre of negative nights and days. The belly was asking all night for vomit but only in the morning it started , and through the day has been difficult to eat anything. Justyna went to see the psychotherapist, what was a big help for her, things that we worry about in Olivia's behaviour, those bad moods and sadness are also ways for her to deal with not great atmosphere at home, She is far too young to understand and rationalize the events at the moment.
Everyday, there is always somebody to help me, this afternoon was Gosia who was in my bedside to help me.
Before bed Olivia had a busy time unwrapping all her presents- the ones from her advent calendars and one under her pillow from Saint Mikolaj, who on the 6th of December brings little presents to children in Poland.

The carpenter

My exercise that I need to do now everyday is to really take advantage of that 10 good minutes that I normally experience during every day, when I feel with more energy, Today me, Justyna, Shubhi and Miriam (who arrive today to stay few days with us :) went to a lovely place, already famous for its Jacket Potatoes.
Before that I had an unexpected visit of one of Macmillan Nurses,and the morning I spent in the company of Shubhi, I like very much just to stay and enjoy precious moments with that dear friend. She is someone who I feel will never abandon me.
I have already the experience that it is easier to deal with pain and sadness when I am around friends. After, Shubhi stayed with me for the meeting with nurse (Justyna had her Art class) I felt calmer and  more relaxed knowing that she will pay attention for me to every detail that nurse spoke about regarding fighting the pain and dealing with digestion problems.

It has been nice to update some conversation with Miriam, see what is going on in Portugal, Olivia also has been enjoying to be with her. To be a perfect day we just needed a wonderful Indian meal, surprise, Shubhi was again in charge of the dinner that did not stay behind our expectations, This while Tom, The Carpenter :) made Justyna the happiest person in the world with the shelves he did in our bedroom. They are perfect.

Today, I also received an alternative medicine sent by my sweet sister from Portugal, Graviola, made from a fruit Annona. My sister is trying very much to help me, I know that.

Too expensive to die

This afternoon we had the visit of the Social Worker, that come around again to speak about serious things that disturbs our minds, and often we cannot put them out, even in between us, To be honest, I feel she is too pragmatic, If I set up a doubt or a worry, in the next minute I have already a wheel chair at home, or I have already the price table for the funerals, either in UK or in Portugal, or for a normal bereavement or cremation. This meetings are a challenge to the limits.
Through the day I was very poorly, I just felt better when I went with Justyna to pick up Olivia from the school, I did enjoy the walk back. In the evening we had the visit of our friends Ben and later Gosia. It was lovely to see Ben after such a long time.

First words

I cannot wait for a day that I can go out and enjoy, it has been a long time again only in bedroom, today I had a plan to paint something but the Sun light went away too early. Olivia came back home with an exercise to build up words with few letters, and it brought me a smile of happiness to see her constructing words with few letters and reading them, the first ones were Sam and Pat.

I am not feeling much better, and what worries us, is how to communicate all the news to Olivia, and do not hurt her even more, Justyna decided to go to a psychotherapist to look for help, somebody that helped us two years ago and that might give us some suggestions how to involve Olivia in this Journey.

Divine meal

This morning I thought to go to the High Street with Olivia and Justyna to enjoy the Sunny Sunday, as the road was closed for a Christmas Fair here in Barnet, We were already out of home when I realised that the pain was too much and the idea of staying out of bed could be a bad adventure  so I decided to come back home and just stay in bed. In the afternoon Justyna and Olivia went to a birthday party of our little neighbour, Stella.
I only smiled and felt better when my girls arrived back and later Shubhi and Tom came as well, Shubhi brought me the best meal that I tasted in the last days. The evening was great with all the friends around, plus Gosia who joined us after her work

Busy December

First day of December was also the first day for Olivia to pick up first souvenirs from her advent calendars, Oli decided that it's time to put out the Christmas tree and start decorating the house. For parts of this 1st of December I felt better, so I went to meet Justyna and Olivia at her school's Christmas party, it was great to go around inside, to see the library where local writer read her books and to eat with children in school canteen. In the evening Me and Olivia had a team work dressing up out Christmas tree.

Delivery of happiness

These days the ones who deliver me energy and will to keep fighting are my friends that luckily come to visit me. There was somebody who I wanted to see again, it was my Portuguese friend Appamado, and apparently he also was waiting for this day, Last week Shubhi in one of her trips to the Amaravati monastery found Appamado and set up this meeting here. Today we enjoyed very much all the afternoon together, speaking and knowing a bit more each other.

Justyna's dictatorship

I woke up very tired and upset, pain was around, through the morning I thought to not go to the Art class and stay again in the comfort of my bed, It was Justyna who pushed for me and told me to stand up, eat something and go. Sue took me in her car to the lesson. I was very pleased to go and to carry on with my duck, which is nearly finished. In the afternoon Sue came as well to enjoy a tea with us and played Uno with Oli.
Evening, we spent time with Shubhi, eating chestnuts, and chatting, Lovely time.

 

Loser or winner

Against the pain and discomfort in the stomach I am trying all the time to keep calmer, and wait for a chance that the things might improve a bit, at least to have a better quality of life. I am still almost all day in bed, today I started to watch another Detective Columbo series.
I was thinking how the people often put the things, everything must be seen as fight, with losers and winners, the same with fight with Cancer, if somebody survives he is a winner but if dyes he is a loser. It is not enough to die but he still need to take the burden of becoming a loser. I do feel that to be a winner or a loser is very much a matter of luck, it's not about being a hero or coward.
In the evening we had the visit of our illustrious friend Ryan, so nice to have him around.

Nothing to complain

We had a quieter day, not perfect, but also not to complain, I did not vomit, Olivia still did not go to the school but at least she did not have fever. Now Justyna is putting Oli to sleep and I am waiting for her, probably to watch a film or just to give her a big hug and say how I like her.

Night Lovers

Today the only thing that made me happy was just now, with the arriving of the night and the idea of taking two pain-killers and switch off my eyes and brain from the World. There, while I sleep, even if the dreams are tormenting me each time more, but at least I find sometimes some pauses and some peace.

Olivia is still with a lot of fever, she could not go to the school today, with me vomiting all day and with a grey and wet day outside, I think nobody in the World could say that the night is not really the best time of the day. Strange how could the people love the Night for different reasons.

Long sleep

This morning I recharged the batteries, my body was really asking for it - after a short wake up early in the morning to say bye to the family, as they took the cab to the airport, I went back to bed and woke up only for lunch, around 1.00 PM.

The day was in horizontal perspective, in bed, accompanying Olivia while she watched her cartoons. This afternoon we had the visit of Gosia, from tomorrow she will become our neighbour, she rented a room nearby as she starts to work in a coffee bar in Barnet. We are happy to be now more close with her.